read between these lines; a hundred times-

2007-01-15T11:27:00.000-08:00

i saw your face in a crowded place
but i dont know what to do.
cause i'll never be with you.

2007-01-08T10:17:00.000-08:00

at the end of the day it makes no difference what i say.
we both know that you’ll always get your way.

is there a hole in your head?
did you not here what i just said?
no matter what you will always get your way.

at the end of the day i lack the will to escape,
is there something in your mind
that makes it so hard to be kind?
we both know i’ve nothing left to give.

the highs the lows the too’s and fro’s.
you’ll come and go, but never know that this absurd four letter word means nothing.
i roam the streets in pouring rain, the alcohol won’t ease the pain.
the image in the mirror frame is breaking.

i know i’m strange, i know i’ve changed
i’m being brave for no ones sake.
i’ve got two legs so i can run away.
dull or floored i’m insecure.

it’s clear to me that we’ve grown forward.
i‘ve got no faith in friendship anymore.
it makes me dumb, it makes me shake.
my sense of feel has gone away.
as if your take will knock me out of shape.

i’m uninspired and full of doubt but these grey days might sort me out
and put some colour back into my world.

2006-12-27T13:16:00.000-08:00

oooh what a night.
went to mos.
headed to home club after that.
met a few drunk bastards.
saw paul twohill. fucking cool dude.
he joined our table, talked shit and sang songs.
and then jaci got wasted.
sent her home. and i gotta work in like 5 hours.
YAWN.

no one will ever make me feel the way you do.

2006-12-12T08:26:00.000-08:00

Well youre the closest thing I have
To bring up in a conversation
About a love that didnt last
But I could never call you mine

Cause I could never call myself yours
And if we were really meant to be
Well then we justify destiny
Its not that our love died
Just never really bloomed

I cant move on from the past
Without lifting a finger youre holding me back.
And then we saw our paths diverge
And I guess I felt OK about it.

Until you got with another man,
And then I couldnt understand
Why it bothered me so.
How we didnt die,we just never had a chance to grow.

Without lifting a finger youre holding me back.
And it might not make much sense
To you or any of my friends
Though somehow still you affect the things I do.

And you cant lose what you never had
I dont understand why I feel sad
Every time I see you out with someone new.

Well I cant let go
No,I cant let go of you
Youre holding me back without even trying to.
I cant let go. never ever.

its all i feel now. i've got no point to blog anymore. it'll just be the same everyday till you're back in my arms again.

2006-12-11T09:03:00.000-08:00

what do you do when you're over 17 and you find out your life has no meaning?

2006-12-03T06:54:00.000-08:00

birthday was a 'blast' at zouk with the leftfoot guys.
heineken,ak47s, martell, henessy,vodka, you name it.
all down my throat. i got fucking drunk wasted hangover-ed and boss sent me home.
come to think of it, i got so fuckin drunk some hot chick was talking to me and i replied in unglam fashion. she asked me for my name and i just laughed.
unexpected people gave me birthday wishes, those i expected, they never came.
who cares anyway, why was i ever born.

my lifes gone down. nothing will be right again.

2006-11-27T07:22:00.000-08:00

i hate my life.
prom was a screw up.
everythings in a mess.
i'm confused.
my life's thrashed and scattered.
fuck everything.

2006-11-23T12:31:00.000-08:00

work at leftfoot has been great.
i see loads of people everyday,
chicks smile at me all the time.
i love running around looking for shoes.
and serving weird people.
interesting i must say.
the staff, the boss, everyone's cool.

my life's changed after you left. totally.i still tremble.

2006-11-20T10:59:00.000-08:00

today was weird.
last paper ended, didnt feel anything at all. no big deal right?
headed off to town as usual, and received a message. thank God i didn't see it, who knows how would i have reacted. it still hurts so much deep down, i try not to think about it all the time.
sakae sushi after that, the usual salmon pigging out.
after that was pool and some other stupid funny stuff.
and then a really good buddy of mine had issues, got really fucked up and stuff.
it hurts to see a friend like that sometimes.
in this game called love, only the strongest survive.
went to his house really late after that, the 6 of us.
his dad, being a great chef (real one) made spaghetti for us which tasted awesome.
we got too full to carry on. took a cab home, and now in my boxers with a glass of milk.
work starts tomorrow. cant wait. hmm.

i fuckin miss you.

2006-11-19T12:28:00.000-08:00

some people think im a player, others think im just being nice.
some think i have a good fashion sense, others think otherwise.

im not gonna dress up for prom. i'll be more to the casual side.
a plain white tee inside with a striped blazer and my pretty denim would do fine.

i dont give a fuck shit about what people think about me anymore.
any problems? :D

2006-11-18T10:43:00.000-08:00

i just had to wake up and fuckin blog.
i miss you. i cant sleep.

saw lotsa people in town. lets see,that soccer guy, that stupid beng, shannen, bryan, kenny, gallen, jamie, sherry, ken, thok kai, zhi xuan, shun rong, li bin, that acs fucker, i wonder if i forgot anyone. work starts on tuesday. there are some stuff that im not allowed to wear. and i dont know what to wear. oh-so-dead. i wanted the cine branch. but anthony moved me to far east. gah. at least cine has less cheena chicks. =x

mum tell s me to clean up my cupboard. its in a mess. and if this is not enough, theres still the other side. soccer jersys, school uniform, belts, jeans, tees, shirts,jackets, shorts, boxers, underwear, woooooooooo.i like that striped one in the middle.

i've been sleeping at 4am everyday. its killing me.

2006-11-17T11:37:00.000-08:00

i start work on tuesday! *beams*
but i know, the start aint gonna be so good. lots to learn.
i can remember almost all the shoe models,
but its finding the boxes that takes time to get used to.
lotsa things i wana buy soon.

buylist:
ralphlauren belt,
RL cardigan.
atmos belt.
guccibelt.
pair of raw denims; nudies.
white adidas gazelle.
supreme x vans era.
long sleeve shirt.
muji long sleeve tee.
raglan tee.
plain pocket tees.
long sleeve tees.
dkny watch.
and maybe a dior waxed denim in a few years.

things are getting pretty fierce, time to step up the fuckin game.

hate me.
soon, i can shout, 'O'ver!!!!!! get it?

2006-11-14T23:46:00.000-08:00

i'll use one word to describe what she means to me.-

2006-11-12T01:50:00.000-08:00

sweet Denims are made of these.

2006-11-11T09:56:00.000-08:00

went to check out the new surrender and ambush store at devonshire road today.
it was expected, the lay out and everything the same, with overhyped and rated stuff.
rainy days in town are spoilin my mood, ruining my shoes.

leftfoot boss asked me to see him on the 20th. i think i got the job. well most probably, i guess.

i miss you. i fucking miss you like hell. its stabbing me. and i cant do any shit about it. i'd go through all of hell just to hold you hand.

2006-11-09T01:45:00.000-08:00

i'm broken. same shit. i dont need to say how i feel. everyday's been like that.

ooh. i've been doing so many pushups cause of my spare time; i can do 80 straight now.
havent hit the gym for 3 weeks. ): feel the flab. dont come near me. i feel like i could kill an elephant now.

i only wana walk down the aisle with you. :(

2006-11-08T05:08:00.000-08:00

i was so bloody tired. but i couldnt sleep. its been many sleepless nights. last night i didn't sleep at all. i couldnt. i just wanted you there. ):

for you;

Please stop my heart from breaking
Save me from myself
Keep my world together
You see me crying out for help

I'm screaming for your attention
Whispering for your love
Seeking help and guidance
From those who are up above

This life I have created
Is slowly falling apart
I'm trying to put it back together
But I'm not quite sure where to start

Protect me from myself
Never let me go
Hold me tightly near your heart
Your love is all i know

Please catch me when I fall for you
For I'm afraid that I might break
But for one more second in your arms
Its a chance ill have to take.

i'm feeeling lifeless. i need someone by myside. i need you the most.

2006-11-07T07:07:00.000-08:00

This broken heart - something coporate
you woke up, in pieces
from making these changes
and holding the ransom, won't write you an anthem
on the outside, I'm trying, cause inside, I'm dying

you took me for granted
now I'm changed, you haven't
it wont be so easy to sell me this feeling

can't make this right, you see on my face,
that I'm not gonna be alright, not tonight,
you can read all my letters, but that won't mean things are fine,
not this time, cause you gave away all the secrets of you and I

this broken heart, was stronger then
now I cant stand to part with this
this broken heart, was stronger than,
the words I wish you never meant.

its tearing me apart. i haven't been myself since march. i've lost myself, i've lost control. i can only be myself when i'm with you. only you.you're not a want in my life. you're a need, my everything. everyday i wish i could hear your voice, but that wouldnt happen. love kills slowly. and its killing me. any moment again im afraid i'll just breakdown, burstout, go insane.i'll change for just for you. yes people, love changed me into the person i am now. this love for a girl that holds a special place in my heart.

2006-11-06T06:51:00.000-08:00

im feeling. lethargic. confused.fuckingjealous.hurt.depressed.sucidal.pain.heart strings are tugging like hell. my minds in a mess. theres so much on my mind. i dont know what to do, what to choose, where to go, who to turn to. i wana tell you how i feel all the time but im afraid you'll just get irritated. so what if i pass my o's, i'll never get you. yea, i'm just short, stupid, i aint rich, i can never earn enough to support you in the future. but maybe, if things were different things wouldnt be in such a mess now? i would have worked hard if there was hope. you were my hope, and you left. it leaves me with nothing cause you were my everything. at laest if i ever had a second chance with you agqain, i'd die without any regrets.

2006-11-05T00:10:00.000-08:00

Middle of the night and it's getting so hard to breathe
i can't sleep, can't think, can't hardly dream
Do you fear what the world wants you to be?
Open your eyes and just see what the world is
Open your mind and you're free

I spent a lifetime hoping it would come to me
Getting lost in the lies I believed
We're covered by a mask that we think is our sin
But never realizethat the truth is within

There's more in this world than we see
Just leave these illusions behind
and run with me if all of the things that you thought you would be
Pass you by,
We'll find what we need in our lives

i've already found what i need in my life. but i'll just take your hand in mine, and hold you. its enough. who cares about, going out, what to do, making out and stuff. they're not important. i'd be glad enough to be with you forever already. and that'd you'd be happy. we'd go to nice places to eat, go for concerts together, laugh together, take long walks down the beach at night, or just let you lie on my chest and gaze at the stars together at night. never had the chance too. if there was at least a second chance, at least i'd die without regret. you never let me down. i did. see you again soon, i hope.

given the choice, people, would you be with the one who loves you, or the one you love? .
i'd be with the one i love.
thirteen's my favourite number now.

2006-11-04T23:57:00.000-08:00

remember remember, the 4th of november.
this day, i'd remember forever.

i never thought anyone could ever mean my life to me.
i was glad to see you today. i never expected it.
its gonna be another sleepless night,
but whatever happened in the afternoon made my day.
if my life was a sad love story,
it was no doubt a happy scene today.
i know you'll be reading this hon, so
before you sleep, remember what i told you.
i'd be here, till my death bed waits for me.

come to think of it, i shouldnt have washed my face.=x and maybe i should get another rolling stones tee.
zip pee dee do da zip pee de dae

2006-11-03T09:02:00.000-08:00

I've got no master plan to help me out
Or make me stand up for
All the things i really want
You had me too afraid to ask
And as i look ahead of me,
Cry and pray for sanity -

Cause everybody tries to put some love on the line
And everybody feels a broken heart sometimes
And even when i'm scared i have to try to fly
Sometimes i fall
But ive seen it done before
I got to step outside these walls

2006-11-02T22:41:00.000-08:00

i've got much to think about.

2006-10-29T08:28:00.000-08:00

time to step up your game, morons.
" o levels " huh, what did you say?

Shes got me thinking about her constantly
But she dont know how I feel
And as she carries on without a doubt
I wonder if shes figured out,
Im crazy for this girl

2006-10-28T10:03:00.000-07:00

yes, mr wayne rooney. i feel your joy. (:
nice hat trick.

2006-10-14T08:53:00.000-07:00

me and my sister named 'paul'

yay. bought my suit today for prom.
cost a bomb.
vivo city is huge. gargantua. fucking big.but loads of space being wasted.
and the topman there sucks.
i think the place is too over rated.

remembering everything about my world and when you came
wondering the change you'll bring, meant nothing else would be the same
did you know what you were doing, did you know?
did you know how you would move me,
well, i dont really think so.
but the night came and swept us away,
and the stars, they seemed to paint the elaborate scene today.

2006-10-12T07:44:00.000-07:00

caught up with good old buddies mark and alvin on wednesday.
well, it was great. we sure had lots to talk about.
chilled at harry's at the esplanade and got wasted. ha.
brothers for life, dudes!

im gonna get really fat.
ate at newyorknewyork with mark and alvin,
then ate at sakae sushi today with kevin and 'dough face' , loads of salmon.
and tomorrow's gonna be steamboat.

and then... off to the cage for football(:

2006-09-27T07:26:00.001-07:00

without you guys, school would be so boring.
heres, mr angmoh, mr english-chinese and fats the sex maniac.
our class stinks, but we rock the class.
hey ho!!

2006-09-24T02:07:00.001-07:00

Manchester united 1 - 1 reading.

tsk. why like that. okay, if it wasn't for the penalty manchester united could have won. ronaldo played amazingly well. manchester united's attacking lay ups were great. but credits to reading, they fought well. manchester united could have almost lost the match. if there's no more consistency for united, well i guess there goes the title.

2006-09-20T09:14:00.000-07:00

(edit/)
she let out a loud scream,woke the family up at 5:15am in the morning. (fyi, rabbits scream before they die. its like their last breath kinda thing. its quite sad.) and died today on the 20 of september. everyone woke up in the morning and was just shocked. and cried. spot was just like family. people may think, oh its just a stupid rabbit. no. she was so close, just ike a family member. i had her since my primary school days. you guys that have seen spot before would know how bloody cute she was. she'd hop around the house whenever we were in, not caged all the time. she was toilet trained, and whenever she was hungry she'd follow us around the house, and when she wanted attention she'd lay infront of us or nudge our legs. the bottom of the situp bench was her favourite spot. and she'd always do her favourite 'play dead' posture thingy. sigh, i guess the time has come. i wasn't prepared. i let out my tears. its been 9 years since we've had her. and not all rabbits live that lonng. but, she certainly had a good life. its funny how these little guys managed to find their way into our hearts huh. my other bunnie's mood also changed already. its lost its companion. i could see a change in behaviour too. i guess no one was prepared oh well, heres a tribute.

WE'LL MISS YOU TERRIBLY !!! )':

rip spot. 16july 1997 - 20sep 2006.
i'll remember,
the first time you bit me,
bringing you to the vet,
you giving birth to 14 other bunnys,
spending time playing with you,
stroking you, bathing you,
bringing you and snowball to the park and enjoy the grass,
running around the house,
following whoever had food with them,
feeding you your favourite carrot and apples,
and doing that special thing that no other rabbits would do,
acting like a dog when you're a rabbit.just damn cute.

no other rabbit would have enjoyed a life like yours. but i guess i wont be seeing any of these stuff now that you're gone. sigh. you always brought a smile to our faces with the little things you do. )':

sorry guys, im emo again. some week it's been. good things never happen for me.life sucks.

We'll Carry on,We'll Carry on
Though your dead and gone believe me
Your memory will carry on
Carry on, We'll carry on
And in my heart I cant contain it
The anthem wont explain it.
-'welcome to the black parade'

2006-09-19T07:42:00.000-07:00

well, this aint no jimi hendrix standard, but synster gates is still, as amazing. (:

and, this mtv has been around for quite a while already, but this solo never fails to keep playing in my head. all the timeeeeeeeee.i love this alot.

synster gates; - respect.

2006-09-17T07:34:00.000-07:00

i miss you.

lets go newyork newyork and eat.

speaking about new york, twin cousins and i are going next year! next... year. in december.that'll be a long wait. butt oohh the stuff, the snow, everything there would be worthwhile. i've always wanted to go there.

2006-09-16T08:29:00.000-07:00

whooo i cut my hair again. i think my hairstylist paco is damn good. for the first time, very first time i actually liked my hair right after it was being cut. not just once, twice! you rockkkk. haha but i guess im gonna get caught when i go back to school. it looks like a mohawk.yay.

dinner today was funny. baked rice never tasted so 'good'.haha. the day with erotic lorry, tiny tractor and canivorous leech was good.

i like. (:

eva! bring me go see fuzzy chairs. haha(:

i ran out of stars.

2006-09-14T09:04:00.000-07:00

whew, i just finished a unicorn painting! :D
i've never drew one before, painting would be alot harder.
and i suck at drawing animals.
but i managed to get it done. i think its quite' pretty' (:

"yay,i clap my hands in delight. ''

2006-09-11T09:28:00.000-07:00

BAH, msn is down. so i decided to blocg.
how cute. there were even rumors that terrorists are hacking into msn, or they just bombed the msn headquarters.haha.

i've got nothing much to blog about tho. the bbq that day was well, rather good.
hahaha guess whos the drunk one.

Time Square cant shine as bright as you, I swear it's true.
I've got so much left to say,
If every simple song I wrote to youWould take your breath away,
I'd write it all.

2006-09-03T11:44:00.000-07:00

I spent these last few months in my own hell.
art, i dont wana talk about it already. im dissapointed.
church today was good. played pool after that.
whew, and i just came back from football at the cage again.
it was a long day, im beat. scored more than a couple of goals(:
the night was not bad la. the leftfoot guys, even the revoltage guys were there. ha, and was i shocked to see ben from channel u.
and ben was nice enough to give me a lift back home in his really really nice car. its some cute toyota car( i dont know what you call it ) that looks like a chrysler. and his car horn on the steering wheel had swarovski crystals all over it. quite a nice dude.
well, before i get some rest,

what hurts the most
was being so close.

welcome to, THE BLACK PARADE.

chemical romance's alter ego.
fucking AWESOME.

2006-08-24T06:33:00.000-07:00

hmm.lets see.went town after school.
we went out before the last bell rang.
we ate fried dumplings.
i got a little 'mohawk' haircut kinda thing.

anyway. i think most singaporeans are real dumb. i said MOST.
especially the chinese. i hate being chinese.
they are just dirty, rude, and have no common sense.
examples are everywhere whenever you take public transports.
just dumb, plain old rude people.
and stupid self-proclaimed 'bengs' who stare at you and want to pick up a fight.
and say sorry after hearing how fucked up you can get.
oh well, thats singapore.
who cares. cause,
i bought my babies!
look at that beautiful black.
and that off-white yellowish 'vintage feel' toe cap.
and and and those 38 eyelets on each shoe and its crazy laces.
madness. (: i never liked converses till these dropped by.

its always a wonderful feeling when i get a new pair of shoes.
mum screamed, but who cares.

(:

2006-08-22T08:16:00.000-07:00

goodbye vans skate high. i've got too many shoes, and i'll have to sell you away since you're still almost new. im sure your new owner will like you. but i'll remember you!

make way for these new babies man. thursday thursday thursday i cant wait! arg. thank God theres one last size 7 that i could reserve at leftfoot. woot.

john varvatos 'crazylaces' for converse.

SWEET.

2006-08-20T08:32:00.000-07:00

church today was great. baptism was good. pool was good. my day was good. thank God.

anyway, the RED DEVILS scored 4 goals in 20 mins, and final score is,-
MANCHESTER UNITED 5 - 1 FULHAM.
ha, chelsea, liverpool, arsenal, watch out you guys. (:

2006-08-17T08:46:00.000-07:00

hmm. so things havent really been getting better. well abit i guess. mrs chan dosent like my ideas for art, well fuck it la. no time already. and i've not been having enough sleeep. and i haven't been going to the gym for 2 weeks. die la die la. no no no. i cant be so negative. time to get pumpin again.

anyway, just came back from the singapore idol show at mediacorp studios. well the atmosphere was great. ha. and, joakim fans, you guys must be really nuts to be voting for him. its a singing competition for gods sake. just get anyone with a decent voice on the street and he can sing just like joakim. and because of this, mathilda got the lowest votes instead. wake up your idea la singaporreeeeee.

maple, i hope i can get tickets to the remaining shows la! arg. haha. it'll be so fun. see you around soon!

wheeeee its football at the cage tomorrow night again. 12am to 3 ammm (saturday mornin actually.)

take care guys.

2006-08-13T07:06:00.000-07:00

sigh. so many changes, so little time.

art has been such a hassle. frustration. i think i gotta skip school one day to finish it up. 3 days left. and i havent started painting. sigh. i gotta do this. i have to.

oh yes, guys. its shoes again. ha.

2006-08-10T06:09:00.000-07:00

i wanted to watch the lakehouse with you. you didnt want to. nevermind. i wanted to care, you shoved me away. it was just full of misunderstandings.

i guess its the last thing i'll pass to you. you looked stunning today. your hair, your eyes, you captured me. memories came flooding back. i dont even know if you'd even come to my blog again. if you're reading this, oh well - the day we first met,i thought everything would turn out right, everything was just perfect. you just had to leave, didnt you. everytime you say hi, my heart just screams out i love you. you're the only one i really loved of all my relationships. its either i have you back again, or i dont give love a second chance. i will still wait, i will still care, i'll still dream and think of you. i love- i try, i get hurt, i cry, i try again and again. that day on the phone. i never cried so much in my life before. you even had to sing, but thanks.i swear. you meant the world to me that i couldnt stop the tears.i never felt so much for anything before. it was so hard to breathe. i just felt i could end my life that moment.and now i've get sore eyes and a really bad flu. i spent alot of time on that box of stuff. but it dosen't matter. i just hope it brought back memories, and i wish you'd reflect. i know you wont, but i hope you really really Do.will today be the last day i saw you? i hope not.

I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER.
Who listened all those times, when you were feeling low?
Who sat beside you in rough times and helped you where to go?
Who tried to stay next to you, and help you with your fears?
Did you forget, That I gave you my heart?
After you left, My whole world came apart.
Did you forget, all those nights we had?
And all those times you said you loved me, now it makes me sad.
Did you forget, when you called I was there?I always helped, when you were in dispair
Well I remember all those times I made sure you were ok.
Cause if I get to see you smile once, it will be a better day.
You are now gone, but the memories still last.
It is hard to put the ones away with love, thats in the past.
I will still be there.It will still be like before, I will always care.
And remember it wise, or you will regret.
Because I will always be there for you, or did you forget?

love is in the giver. not the gift.

i really appreciate those who were there for me when i was in shit.thanks to those who called, who msged, who asked. i was touched. i know you guys wana help, but its just between me and her. i guess she's had enough. but, thanks guys. i didnt know i had friends that cared so much. kevin, yazid, fats. you guys rock. always. thanks buddy alvin too. and amanda, i owe you alot. thanks so much. nicole too, maple and lee han. shiyan, liyan, and priscilla. thanks. cousins diane and dawn. even my sister.(im surprised) thanks guys. without you guys i wouldnt be here anymore. i guess life still goes on. you guys take care too. life sucks, pray hard.

2006-08-03T05:29:00.000-07:00

I KNOW YOU'LL BE READING THIS. fucking see this germaine, - everything beens done and said. you never gave me a good chance. how the fuck do you want me to talk with your friends and so many people around?but i dont blame you. i blame myself. guess i tried TOO hard huh. the flowers, the potrait, the paintings, the poems didnt make a difference i guess. i was glad you liked the sunflowers.- but. why are you so heartless.
'yes, you're irritating.' - those were the words you said to me. you dont know how much it hurts, do you. son of a bitch. it fucking hurt. after all we've been through, that 4 months. you just moved on ike that, and still i did so much for you, and you asked me to get the fuck out of your life? thanks, you ruined everything. everything. i cant believe you said that. someone that i loved so much would say that to me. it hit me hard. but still, im not giving up. sure, you ask me to leave you alone?i'll try to. its okay if you dont forgive me. go on with that guy whos seeing another girl. i've got no proof, but its all up to you to believe. even you said your friends also think hes cheating on you. stop lying to urself already. i know you're in love with him but i dont give a fuck. i did alot already. and you go,' oh he sacrificed so much for me, im so happy' and when i FUCKING sacrificed my time for you, skipped lessons so i could meet you and got into fucking trouble, you scold me and called me stupid. fine. well, but my feelings won't change for as long as i know. and i didnt eat and starved the whole fucking day just to let you know.

everyone beens telling me the same thing. ''she's not worth it la. just give up. she dosent even care a shit about you. dont waste your time.'' well, thanks. but true feelings are hard to change you know. fucking see this,- TRUE FEELINGS. yea you said it dosent matter how true it was, but its important to me.you didnt even give me a last glance when you left on the train. it fuckin hurt bad alright. and now my arm hurts too. sorry i've been a jerk then. i wanted you to be happy. i just missed you and called you again to say a proper goodbye. and you had to fuck my world upside down. you dont give shit bout me, and if i didnt care about you i wouldnt have did so much for you. those sleepless nights painting and drawing and those time i spend on poems werent for nothing. i was surprised you even liked one of them. i hope u keep it. you hate me for loving you, i guess.

well, my chance goes and another chance comes for me. but to that person(u know who u are), im sorry, i still love her alot and my feelings would be almost impossible to change. im having my problems, i know you're having yours too.its hard, i know. been there. im sorry.

and thanks shiyan for cheering me up. if i hadn't bump into you in town while wandering alone that day i woulda gone and done something stupid. thanks kevin( get those spray cans ready man) and yunyuan, you guys have always been there for me. and amanda, and alvin too. brother! you take care too man. we've been through so much together. we'll catch up again sometime. and lee han too, thanks. even a simple msg shows how much you guys care. maple, thanks too. see you on sat. cant wait.

bad week. bad day. bad face. bad haircut. lethargic. everythings lost.i should just go die. i've been thinkin of you. my arms are hurtin. my heart is aching and bleeding. my mind is tired. theres so much now on my mind. i can't rest till i see you smile, and hold you in my arms again.

my heart, my everything bleeds for you.

2006-08-01T10:23:00.000-07:00

and i'll bleed for you.

2006-07-31T07:37:00.000-07:00

what the fuck. i guess you've already driven me to my grave,im in the coffin already.*knock knock, hello* ? dont be surprised if i die of heart attack one day. do i have to go on my knees? i know you'll see this post. WHAT THE FUCK DIDNT I DO TO NOT SHOW HOW MUCH I LOVED YOU, and to love you? I DID EVERYTHING IN MY POWER. EVERYTHING. YOU'LL JUST NEVER BE MOVED I GUESS. AND YES, I SAID FOREVER. FOREVER. FUCKING GET THAT IN THE HEAD. i guess its gonna be another sleepless night and morning with swollen eyes. you destroyed my ego. you destroyed my life. it was great when it was with you but now you've ruined it.if there was anything i can ever do to make things as they were again, i would. but still, IF IF IF IF IF. would what i do ever make a fucking difference? even if i laid down everything just for you? if there was anyone in my life who'd ever hurt me that bad i didnt think it would be you. but you did. :'( you know i was true. even breaking up would cross his mind, you think he really loves you? you really think so? i'm a guy, i know how a guy thinks.oh, im surprised you liked the poem. still, wouldnt make a difference what. even if i gave you a million roses, or lit the entire playground we used to go to with candles, or the sweetest thing there would ever be, things still wouldnt change would it. i didnt write those poems for nothing. i didnt draw the portrait for nothing. i didnt paint for nothing. i didnt spend my time and money for nothing if it wasnt worth my time. but you are. and i want to be with you. thats it. and the time now is 2.45am, on a monday night. ' tuesday morning ' after we put down the phone. i cant sleep because of YOU. and my eyes hurt. why do i have to breakdown everytime i talk to you. because it hurts, and because you mean alot to me.

and i just remembered something, but i dont know if i should tell you. but i guess you wouldnt believe me, would you. its up to you if you wana believe me. but you know i wouldnt ever ever lie to you. well if you wana know then ask me then.

p.s- thanks Amanda. you've always been there for me. i appreciate it.

-its as if my heart knows your're the missing piece.-

2006-07-29T08:09:00.000-07:00

oh, it has been a rather eventful week. lets see.

ok, our maths teacher has been a pain in the ass all this while. always picking on students sitting at the back of the class. we're not good at maths, we fail, we get scolded for TRYING. see at least we tried. we talk, scold us. okay thats reasonable. we keep quiet and listen and she stares at us and say we're dreaming.

one fine morning, -
maths teacher: all of you are just stupid and hopeless. stupid. i regretted taking up teaching. i've been teaching for 20 over years now and you guys are the worst bunch of maths students i've ever seen. you guys wana go ite and fail in life?

darrell & yazid, kevin ' the backrow gang': (in deep thoughts) who the fuck does she think she is. if shes that great why is she JUST A maths teacher in this stupid neighboorhood school. and shes been teaching for 20 plus years and havent got promoted? and shes trying to say we're hopeless.

halfway during lesson-
yazid: hey darrell lend me foolscap paper.
darrell: sure, hold on.
(just nice she turns her ugly face at me)
darrell can you get out of the class NOW.
darrell: fuck i didnt do anything wrong man.
maths teacher: i dont care. u guys are hopeless. get out now. i dont wana quarrel with you.

side track abit here, i am a person who had a very bad temper in the past. and i have improved over the years. but this time, it was just KABLUEEEEY again. i couldnt take it and went out of the class room and slammed the door behind me.
and i almost got expelled from school. she claimed i kicked the table at her (which i didnt, i just pushed it aside so i could get out from my seat as i said just now) and slamming the door at her. like wow. (: but the discipline mistress, who is a understanding and normal lady, understood what i was going through and gave me another chance. but still, fuck this dumb school. school is always becoming a dread now. i just hate hate school. come on man, i've got enough problems in my life now and there you are adding oil to fire.told my parents i didnt wana take o's already and they didnt accept my decision. see what happens now la. i got no mood to study anymore. i wanted to go laselle after n levels. but sigh, oh well life has to go on.

one more thing, art. we are so so dead.last year we had time to finish everything. this time the dateline is pushed like what, 2 months earlier!? and we only knew a month ago. theres one and a half weeks more before we can finish everything, and im barely halfway there yet, and i havent started painting. die. we'll see what happens. art is a form of self expression anyway. why the hell do we have to do research sketches and all that. its so fake, i mean, we painters do not give a shit.we just paint what we think of. you think every art student get their ideas from research? no, we do our final design first before doing the sketches. see, no link.

well and i miss her so again. such a turnaround of things. i didnt expect things to happen that way. well but this is my last chance now, its either do or die. and im gonna make the best outta it. i never could draw humans well, dont say a portrait even. it'll be worse. but somehow, just somehow i managed to draw the most beautiful thing to me in my life right now.

saturday was football back at the cage again. there was this team that was really rough. this guy wasnt the goal keeper, he used his hands to hit the ball away while using his body to hide his actions. kicked our legs here and there, literally pushed us to the ground and then say sorry. i said nevermind, its okay to one of them, and he said yea, its just soccer. oh you know its soccer? then why are you kicking legs instead of the ball? now my ankle ligament hurts again, my toe is bleeding and i've got this realllllyyyy painful feeling on my knee. i dont know what it is. theres no blu black. its just really pain whenever anything touches it. even when i wear my jeans. oh bummer. oh anyway it was a one goal knockout system. i guess our team played really well. yay and i scored 3 goals, one with my left leg. (:

may next week be a better week. if you're seeing this, you know i cant wait to see you.

2006-07-11T04:10:00.000-07:00

you know, i thought everything would be alright again.
i thought i could pull through.
but no, things just got worse.
no one's hurt me so much before, no one.
if u're reading this, all the best.

anyway i think this is just sweet. its the mtv for mixtape by butch walker. http://butchwalker.buzznet.com/user/video/play/31088/
if it dosent work, jus click on videos and click on the mixtape link.

Can you please, remind me how you feel?
This emptiness is real, I can't bear the thought of it.
and please, remind me how to smile,
I lost track after awhile.
Is happiness so hard to get?
Is it me, or is this over?

Waking up, on the wrong side of your mind.
How could I have been so blind, to see I'm losing everything?
Is it me, or is this over?
As I got sober, I watched you fade away.

anyway, played football with the guys fromga leftfoot and gang on sunday. hell, it was great (: havent played such nice football for such a long time. great guys, great time, great pitch(its carpet grass btw!) a great night. we played from 12 AM till 3AM plus. haha. heres some pics :)

i wana go back and play again. soon, i guess. (:
oh, and they call this place, THE CAGE.
well, soccer lets me forget everything. but once it ends, im brought back to painful reality again. sigh.

2006-07-10T06:28:00.000-07:00

portugal, argentina, england, brazil, germany,france. these giants all didnt make it.
but ITALY did. (:

oh yes i'm overjoyed. cause i just hate france. and italy deserved the world cup so so much. zidane was such a disgrace, altho france played well, but the azzuri fought hard till the end. (:

FORZA ITALIA!

2006-07-06T07:45:00.000-07:00

you've done the extreme.
you drove me to my grave.
you stabbed my heart a million times.
i know that it won't stop.
but im just here to make you smile.

2006-07-04T07:45:00.000-07:00

it was a happy.depressing.lethargic.fuckedupday.
i've got so many thoughts now its tearing me apart.

your bitter goodbye is ringing through this quiet night.
i never missed you this much, never thought i would. -13

2006-07-01T11:00:00.000-07:00

PORTUGAL ARE THROUGH TO THE SEMI FINALS! :D

and Ronaldo scored the winning penalty (:

2006-06-28T07:04:00.000-07:00

im tired. been trying to stay awake in classes. been trying to sleep every night but theres too much stuff on my mind all the time. it sucks not being able to stay awake, and not being able to sleep either. ): fuck it.

You say hello, inside I'm screaming I love you.
You say goodnight, in my mind'
I'm sleeping next to you.
You drive away from a car crash of my heart
And I don't know.

2006-06-25T10:10:00.000-07:00

korea and japan are out of the world cup. ):

holidays are over, school reopens. my body clock's changed. i've become nocturnal. ALL because of the world cup. sigh. im going to be so tired when i get back to the classroom tomorrow. what have i been doing in the holidays? pratically just wasting my time everyday towning and being online or just having fun. and becoming a gym rat when im bored too.

anyway, she saw the msg that i put on mtv! like, out of the blue and i didn't expect her to see it. is it coincidence or what. funny, we even thought we were made for each other. would it still be true? well at least im glad you're happy now. well maybe a few more years everything would be normal again. maybe you've already forgotten me, but you'll always be in my mind.

fuck la i sound emo. nevermind.
at least there are still people who make me happy. (:
stillllllll ,

try not to make someone your EVERYTHING. cause when they're gone, you're left with NOTHING.

do i make any sense?

2006-06-22T09:28:00.000-07:00

went to town today. i saw lots of people! lets see.
i saw (not in order) yen, fayanne, cheryl lynn, a couple of bbss friends, a couple of primary school friends, unity sec peeps. i guess thats all. ha.

2006-06-21T02:15:00.000-07:00

The warmth from your hands
As they hold me so close
I'm losing this fight, now I need you the most
I'll wait for the time
Though my days running thin
I'll count down the clock
I'll stop to take this all in.

2006-06-18T23:53:00.000-07:00

GO KOREA.

For the most part Korea were rather less impressive than their fans, but did enough to keep the score to 1-0 until they launched a final flurry in the last 15 minutes which paid off handsomely; in which manchester united's park ji-sung scored!!! he lobbed the ball over the keeper. yes! Korea managed to hold france 1- 1 . which IS a respectable result for an asian team. :D

2006-06-16T08:07:00.000-07:00

Argentina 6 - 0 Serbia&Montenegro

i've never seen a team play with such brilliance and teamwork before. i'm backing Argentina to win the world cup. woot. entertaining.

2006-06-16T00:40:00.000-07:00

hahaha i guess my bunnies wouldn't mind a bath on a nice friday afternoon.

work that thing man! arggg.

2006-06-14T00:32:00.000-07:00

Kickin & Dancin days away

final score, 84th 8 - 1 53rd. 84th juniors played well! you see, never never mess with 84th fc. you just get thrashed again and again. who's next? :D and i scored from a stupid free kick. haha. could have scored more but i was tooo tooo careless.

Dxo that night with augustine,ben koh, suresh and felix was great. haven't had such fun in a long time. not as bad as i thought otherwise.

soccer match again the next morning. we have the skills but i guess there's just no team spirit huh. yes this sounds cliche, but we're never gonna win with this kind of fucking attitude from everyone. whats with the shouting at one another and stuff. no one plays perfectly, neither me nor anyone else on the pitch. so don't ever go shouting at other people unless you're some bloody professional. look at it this way - you're a defender. put urself in a boots of a striker and you'll see how difficult it is. i'm a striker, and i'll know it wouldn't be easy being a defender, say a keeper even. everyone makes mistakes. so everyone should just shut the fuck up.

and for some people who say you're a christian and only behave or rather. 'ACT' like on on saturdays or around fellow church members, i say wake up your idea. its a disgrace. attitude shows otherwise from your so called 'christ -like character'. as for myself, i confess i have not been a good christian too. but at least i dont act like i am in my blog, during services or when i'm with other fellow churchies. im still the same. if you wana be a good christian, be one all the time. its either you do. or you dont. do or die. thats it.

art has been pretty frustrating too. i cant find my inspirtation to put pencil to paper. and o levels art submission is in like a month and i havent even started on my drafts, sketches and even the outline on the final piece. and it takes a long long long long time to paint. what to do now. sigh. i wana go Laselle- after my o levels. guess i gotta really work hard on my art.

and for those friends of mine who ask me to help do your portfolio to enter laselle, NO more. its really unfair to me when i myself wana get in and i'm helping you guys to get in with my work. not that i dont wana help; i just think its unfair. even if i help you, when you guys get in you're gonna suffer. so its for your own good. i cant wait to get in myself next year.

im running out of cash! ): fathers day is coming., at least i've got enough for a gift i think. thats all for now- off to the tele to watch the world cup. gooooo KOREA! (:

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

2006-06-08T18:43:00.000-07:00

a fellow sister in christ passed away this morning.
i'm not very close to her- but she was one of my group members in yi camp04. all i knew that she was, is this cheerful girl that'l always be smiling no matter what pulled her down. guess she fought till the end. ):
Ruxiang, you'll always be remembered!
-you've found peace with the lord. amen.

see how life just takes everything away like that-. sigh.

2006-06-06T03:07:00.000-07:00

VENDETTA RED.
this band is fucking awesome! :D

2006-06-04T08:32:00.000-07:00

the food was alright, the night was great. goodbye bbss (:

2006-06-04T01:20:00.000-07:00

I'll hold a place for you inside;
Inside my heart for you and I.
I won't forget these tears I cry;
With every year that passes by.

2006-05-31T03:46:00.000-07:00

the night was great. (:

2006-05-25T00:02:00.000-07:00

last night did a few skecthes. i love them! haha. i'll slowly compile all my little art work in this small skecthbook, and by the end of the year i hope it all fills up.

and now im stuck at home, munching on my mos burger and newspapers and drawings all over the place. my rooms in such a mess! and i think i'd go to the doc later in the evening when dad comes home. my head hurts too much to even walk there.

ah i hope i get better before the weekend. i dont wana spoil it.

And even when your hope is gone Move along, move along just to make it through.

2006-05-23T09:11:00.000-07:00

-eclipse through myself, aware I'm in Time,
Hanging out here in space, gazing into galaxies
Pin-wheeled on arcs in the heavens beyond skies,
So profusely do stars impact me, I ignite,
Then explode, bursting into higher consciousness
and witnessing from multiple directions simultaneously.

2006-05-22T08:45:00.000-07:00

today was B - O - R - I - N -G. school was such a draaaggggggg. i didnt do naything today. the others had intensive mother tongue practice while the rest of us who were taking chinese B syllabus had the entire day to ourselves. :D. but its such a waste of time la. why make us come to school when we have nothing to do. played on the psp the entire day till it was outta battery even. haha.

well i just came back from macs with kenneth and his friends. was helping him on his portfolio to enter laselle. all the best dude! i'll see you there next year, hopefully :D i gotta work really hard on my art from NOW. but its been so hard to just put pencil on paper again. i've lost my passion for art suddenly. i just need someone, something to bring it back. so its either nafa or laselle-after Os. guess i wouldnt even make it to the polys with results like these, darrell+(chemistry x physics x chinese x maths) = fail. get the picture? darrell + art = happy.

i miss you :( <3>

i need to go far away, a few years back would be okay

2006-05-21T01:11:00.000-07:00

so... it was just another week of hell in school, as usual. whats more, they're giving us back our papers. i did horribly atrociously badly, the only good thing was my english, i got 61 ! it was the highest but still, bullshit la. highest still b4 only. i want an A ! anyway, the stupid passage was about man-apes so everyone lost interest anyway.

finally came back to soccer training on saturday. god-i-played-like-shit. my fitness was down and i was just so blur throught the training matches. i could go past defenders with my speed and with a fient of my body or some flicks here and there but today, i dummied to the right and wanted to run to the left, and ended up losing my balance instead. ot once, not twice, but many many times. or maybe-- was i just too tired from all the physical activity during the entire week? cause it was like everyday i had to do physical stuff, be it gym, playing football or running bout the neighbouhood. match coming up soon! no more excuses.

so after training, i went home, took a bath and my afternoon nap before going back to church after 2 months of missing in action; due to some personal problems. i couldnt sleep due to some stupid drilling noises coming from our neighbours. but the unexpected happen, i had a nightmare. yes, nightmare while having an afternoon nap. i never even had a nightmare before, and it had to happen at this this.

well, i couldnt remember what really happened, in the 'dream' , i came out of the toilet, shocked. i looked around and my friends were were waiting for me outside were gone, and the lights were all off. i couldnt remember what place was it tho. i just walked around the place looking for the exit but i felt something behind me. i didnt dare to look back, and at that moment i walked past a television screen and decided to glance at the screen's reflection of what was behind me. to my horror- nothing like i've ever seen. it was some demon shit thingy crawling on all fours following my back all this while. upon its sight, i screamed. it just frightened the hell outta me. i've never feared so much in my life before. when i started to scream, suddenly it was back to the real world, i was still lying on my bed, but screaming as if i had no voice, and i couldn't move my body at all; literally. i was just paraylzed. i couldnt even open my eyes, it was just half open. all i could see was a blurred image of that thing moving closer and closer towards me. 5 mins later, all ended and i laid sweating on my bed. i quickly sms-ed a church leader asking him what had just happened.

when i went to church soon after, i met him and he told me, when i sms-ed him, the pastor was just talking about nightmares. coincidence or what? couldnt be. its believed that it was because i decided to come back to church that day, and that the devil was putting such thoughts in my mind to frighten me, and mess me up; trying to stop me in whatever means he could. yes, i've been so far away from God now, not that hes far away from me. im the one whos drifting away. i want to come back. but its just so hard. after service, was prayed for me everything was alright again. chilled during dinner and had a few games of pool before going home. talked to a few people online who managed to make me feel better after what happened this afternoon. yes, i know it was just a nightmare but it was just so real. so so real. i didnt dare to sleep that night. had i had my eyes open, lying on my bed, afraid it would happen again. well, but i prayed. and i had the sweetest of dreams. thank God.and today i woke up at 1 pm. haha.

ooh, one more thing. i've been thinking. i really love talking to you. could things turn out well? ((:

-all i want to do is to fall into the emptiness, that is, the space between us.

2006-05-18T08:35:00.000-07:00

whats this big hoo-haaa bout the davinci code movie! i dont get it. people. its just a book. a show. no BIG deal about it. its not like its gonna be the end of the world or anything. stupid media, every time i turn on the television its just davinci davinci code bla bla bla. it just dosent make sense. cant they just treat it as another normal movie, thats great to watch. however even other movies dont get so much attention just like this movie.

stupid hype.

2006-05-13T23:04:00.000-07:00

its been time i updated again. so my screwed up hair is not so screwed at all. its getting better as time passes. i just want my old length back again. tsk. JUNE holidays are coming- but theres one thing im NOT looking forward to. doomsday, over and over again. parents teacher meeting. tsk.

sentosa on vesak day was - wasted? the sun was burning hot for a couple of hours and there came drizzles; spoilt the entire day. and my stomach hurts, guess i did too many crunches.

its satuday. which means, late nights out. but we havent had soccer tranining for one month! that evening; felix had some last minute mothers day dinner and couldnt join us. which left me with that gay boy. we arrived at bugis, dissapointed. muji didn't restock their items! so there was nothing to see. called peeps for a midnight show but felix didnt bring his phone. bahh. so when i got home, and when he did too, he finally got his hp and we went out for supper. till, 3am. lets see- we ate roti pratas, rice with chicken egg sambal, a whole load of stingray and this malaysian style ice kachang the guy recommended. food was great. but my tummy, its grown i guess, overnight. played pool till we were the last ones there too. ha.

got home, and i dont know why, but i just knew i had to paint something for my mum for mothers day. slept only at 6am! damn i was tired. i placed the painting in front of her tele screen in her room, and the first thing she saw when she woke up was that. :D

are you the one now? tell me, i wana know.

And there's a demon in my head who starts to play
A nightmare tape loop of what went wrong yesterday
And I hold my breath till it's more than I can take
And I close my eyes and dream that I'm awake

2006-05-07T00:58:00.000-07:00

well, you said that day, ' i dont believe in true love. there's no such thing. it just expires '. i'll show you again someday, somehow. not now. all the best.

And all of these moments just might find a way into my dreams tonight; But I know that they'll be gone when the morning light sings.

2006-05-06T22:10:00.000-07:00

What came first, the music or the misery? People worry about kids playing with guns, or watching violent videos, that some sort of culture of violence will take them over. Nobody worries about kids listening to thousands, literally thousands of songs about heartbreak, rejection, pain, misery and loss. Did I listen to music because I was miserable? Or was I miserable because I listened to music?

2006-05-03T08:00:00.000-07:00

testing testing

2006-04-29T04:34:00.000-07:00

test